a Kansas visit

We try to go back at least once a year since our move to Georgia almost three years ago. Going back to see the familiar faces that once wished us supportive farewells as we set out on our adventure. 

There's something about returning to a place so dear to our hearts. To the people who have helped make us who we are today. 

The people who helped us build dreams. Build ourselves and our lives into the reality that we are now living.

Coming back brings clarity into what we are doing today. And what we'll do tomorrow. And everything that we can ever do. Because the sky is the limit...and we know that now. Our fears have been pushed aside, making room for the hope and beauty of what is to come.  

We love seeing our people. No matter where we are, we know they are in our hearts always. 

Until next time...

caution: thoughts ahead

I'm sitting down in a cliché over stimulating Chuck E Cheese on a Friday night. Somewhere between kid-screaming chaos and video game crescendos. I'm distracted by lights that blink so rapidly I quietly wonder how anyone hasn't had a siezure yet. Or maybe they have. Maybe this mouse has it out for us all. I contemplate mouse double agendas...both scary mutant giant mouses and the seemingly harmless ones that hide inconspicuously within corners of our homes. What is this world coming to?

After I reach this meditative trance, likely a result of all the blinky-flashy lights.......blink, blink, flash, blink, wait, blink, flash........I start to run through the emotions of the week.

My memory scans to the freshest emotion: a moment of our kids' last day of school. The heartfelt good byes and farewells that the entire school cheered out as they lined up in the hallways, watching the 5th graders walk down their elementary halls for the last time. My tear stained face as I watched silently, thinking about Caleb next year. 

Another moment, or collection of moments, at work this week. The strain and pull from an exhausted group of coworkers, trying their best to put on a brave face in unpredictable conditions. The back aches, the heart pulls, the ibuprofen inhaled in quantities unknown. The mental energy used, putting me into coma-sleep cycles at the end of the day.

The hopeful turned disappointing moment of the week where our summer plans changed. I won't go into too much detail, but flashes of my high school years came to me this week: coming up empty handed after countless auditions. 

Obviously the past few days have had it's ups and downs. A lot of different emotions and feelings and moments. With all of it I feel a sense of closing one chapter and opening another. Like in the flow of life this is all part of the plan. And our job is to get ourselves out there....be in the moments, feel the emotions, regardless of how much they may bring us joy or sadness. Learn about this crazy blinking, flashing world and appreciate it for what it is: a well thought out plan. Though I'm not completely convinced that the mouse isn't in on it...

mom, mama, mother...

We go by so many names. When I think about motherhood, I think of all the names: counselor, teacher, mediator, student, janitor, cook, nurse, lifeguard...the list is ongoing. I keep finding new names as my kids get older, as motherhood unfolds on me. 

I think the most complicated and miraculous thing about mothering is the way you find yourself. It's like a part of me has always been a mom. Before children were any part of me. The flame was there, building with each moment until it became so bright that I couldn't imagine it getting any bigger. 

Then it did.

Late nights. Early mornings. At your wits end. At no end. Holding them close. Letting them walk down the block. Letting them fly. Holding your breath. No longer holding. Capturing a moment. Replaying a day. Memorizing their breath. Dancing in the living room. Tickle fights. Watching them sleep. Can you ever get enough of it all?

The answer is no. You will never get enough. 

Mothering is about the pull. The pull when they need you most. And then the pull the world will place on your children. To leap, to fly, to live. Mothering is about finding out how to accept the pull, whichever direction it goes. 

It all comes together beautifully in a symphonic wave of daring love. A love that you could not explain but have always known. 

Mothering:

I have always known you.

Deep inside, your first

kicks and taps,

I met your awakening.

I have always known you.

First steps, first words

little parts of you,

I met your perseverance.

I have always known you.

Handwritten names, crooked letters 

spelled out your voice,

I met your passion.

I have always known you.

Heartbreaks, let downs,

the world teaching you lessons,

I met your bravery.

I have always known you.

Dreams and visions,

learning and pushing yourself, 

I met your soul.

I have always known you. 

I have always loved you.

And I always will.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the fabulous mothers out there! Including my mother, Mark's mother, and all of our grandmothers. We love you all so very much, and our lives are richer with you!