dwelling

This is such a touchy subject, and I almost hesitate to write about it. I can see dear family and friends reading my words and taking it all out of context and not reading it for what it is. My thoughts. On this day, at this time. I guess I'll take that risk.

For what it's worth, I try to be authentic and surrender myself to ever changing and rebalancing of thoughts and beliefs that will eventually shape this life I live. The process is crucial to all of us who want to think back at the end of our days and say "yes I lived a truly authentic, one of a kind of life." I have to think we all take several paths to get to where we are. This experience of life connects us at our core. 

So I begin.

I grew up with a strong Christian background. Strong in the sense that "hate" was a bad word and heaven was filled with Angels, hell with Demons. Pretty standard, I'd say. 

Sunday was bible school. Pews with hymns and prayers of forgiveness for the sins like tattling on my brother or listening  to my friend say the s- word and maybe repeating it to myself to hear the sound of it across my teeth. By middle school God made his appearances twice a week when I would go to Youth Group on Wednesday nights. We would talk about old scripture and how it would relate to our world of Doc Martens and lip gloss. God was cool, like a hipster picture of Jesus wearing sunglasses. Totally relatable in our land of "like" and "as if." The 90s, people. You have no idea how cool we were. 

Then came adult life. When the world grips your shoulders and shakes you and your hipster Jesus. Your once solid beliefs become a Charlie Brown tree of missing limbs. Maybe there's enough strength to to hold together a few pine needles of original thought here and there. This is it, you think. I am drifting away in an ocean of uncertainty. The waves take you, drifting in the storm your demise absolute. 

A few nights ago we watched a little bit of Eat, Pray, Love. I read the book years ago and loved it. There was this moment, when Liz goes to an ashram in India trying to work on her focus through meditation. She centers on a certain passage: God dwells within you, as you. 

Since my adult life I have felt a large disconnect in all things God. In fact, there are days that I glance at something with the word G-O-D in it and I quickly avert my eyes. It's a word I cannot identify with easily and instead want to push away like leftovers at a table. 

God dwells within you, as you. 

I suppose, if this were truly the case, I am pushing away pieces of myself. Pieces that make me who I am. Nothing to be scared of. Not someone too hard to impress. In fact, someone that knows me in the most intimate way possible. Someone who has never left. Who has been with me in the dark, quiet moments of self-doubt. I am not alone.

God dwells within you, as you.

Day breaks. The sun comes up and greets a new day. You arrive onto an uninhabited island. Alone with your thoughts you become acclimated to this new place. You fill it with pieces of you, as you gather and collect pieces of it. We all have the capabilities to make our own home to dwell in. Our own ways to build a fire. Some may even gather warmth from non-fire sources. 

Without fail, there will be those select few that can cultivate their fire from a rare lightning strike, those lucky few may share their gold with others. 

If you're like me, a fire is more prized when we can build it with our own two hands. 

Whether you are a devout practitioner in lighting fires, or a practitioner of living out this life the best you know how....I feel that all of our journeys are worthy and uniquely ours, and are meant to intersect in ways we may not know and appreciate at times. No matter who you are, where you are in this journey I will send you love and light in your quest.