oh, guilt

I go through my day to day with a lot of guilt.

Not head in hand, can't do anything but focus on guilt-guilt. More like the nagging every time my mind has a rare moment of clarity-guilt; it comes pushing through like a crowd at a buy one get one free sale.

Look, we can get mommy guilt with wife guilt for free.

And look at all of the others well in stock...

Work guilt.
Need to lose weight guilt.
Need to get outside more guilt.
Seize the day guilt.
Seize the nap time guilt.
Do more dishes guilt.
Cleaner house guilt.
Laundry not started guilt.
Dinner not made from scratch guilt.
Play with your kids more guilt.
Call your friends more guilt.
Have I sent that birthday card guilt.
Read more books guilt.
Get through the Tivo guilt.

As you can see the list will go on until I let it all just stop. And that's a rare feat. Many times this just becomes an avalanche that blows in on my rare moment of clarity. I am then forced into a ball on the couch eating out of a bag of something and watching a rerun of Seinfeld. Nothing against Seinfeld-respect.

Ever think maybe we don't need all this day to day guilt? That life isn't meant to be like this. We aren't supposed to have this constant pressure to keep all balls up in the air. Our life would be so much more enjoyable if we could let go. The deals we keep making with ourselves to stay up long hours, cut corners on important things, over commit ourselves to the point that we have a booked calendar with no room to breathe.

I keep thinking that maybe I'll actually pick myself up after stumbling one of these times and learn my lesson.

Drop the guilt.

Free myself from all these mega crazy expectations. That's right, I said it.

I want to try living in the moment, and stop trying to anticipate the next 3 steps. Enjoy the here and now, not obsess over who or what I'm letting down.

It will all get done when it needs to. I may not be known for my punctuality on birthday cards, or having enough made from scratch meals. But I want to know at the end of the road somewhere I can look back and say, "hey, you did your best." Not "hey, you really had a stellar clean house."

As for as the relationship guilt. Being the best wife, mom, friend. I think those who know me best know of my unwavering love. And I will spend the rest of my journey making the most of every opportunity to show it.


"Guilt is the price we pay willingly for doing what we are going to do anyway."
-Isabelle Holland

to NC we go

This weekend went by like a quick Kansas breeze.

We started with a busy Saturday morning. Mark took on soccer, and I gymnastics. Caleb scored another goal! And Katelynn had a great time bouncing around at her "Tumble Bee."

She was very proud of her medal!

After our busy morning we traveled to Charlotte, NC to help my sister move into an apartment closer to her new job.

Don't let this fool you, there were a lot more of these.

We all had fun taking in the scenery. It was a beautiful weekend. And besides a few mishaps, we helped get her in and somewhat settled.

Weekly phone dump:


Hope ya'll have a good week!

If I could have a heart-to-heart with myself...

Things I wish I could have told myself 10 years ago.

This is a fun practice that you can do at any age...a timeless practice.

And I think it brings out some good hidden, raw advice.

Let me try it:

Act your age.
Don't lose yourself trying to find love.
Learn how to cook three good meals. Like from scratch.
Wash your clothes. Weekly.
It's okay to stray and not attend college right out of high school.
Take care of your body. It's not unbreakable.
Appreciate silence.
Dare to dream.
Brands and labels are just more stitching, and its not worth the debt.
Work hard. And when you think you're there, push yourself that extra mile.
Volunteer. Lend your hand and heart to those that need it more than you.
Travel.
Keystone Light is really not that good.
Invest your time in good friendships.
Nothing beats rolling with the windows down, and your favorite song on the radio.
This will be a lifelong addiction.
Smile. Life's not supposed to be all figured out yet. Ever.
Hug your grandparents a lot.
And your parents.
Get a puppy.
Pick up a camera.
When you're in a bind, two words: don't pawn.
As much as you swear off the 80s, they will come back.
And you will one day love the cheesy Molly Ringwald movies you once swore lifelong hatred to.
Your high school crush was an idiot and the sooner you let it go the better.
Go to more concerts.
That one time you...never mind, do it. You learned a good lesson there.
Be original.
There will be a day you're driving a minivan...drive that convertible like it's going out of style.
Because it will.
Don't accept other's definitions of who you are or who you want to be. Even those who you love.
You're the one holding the dictionary.
Start a collection. One that you'll be able to show off to your kids someday.
Pray.
You really can fall in love and meet your soul mate right out of high school.
And it will lead you to some of the best breathtaking moments in your life.
There's nothing wrong with your legs.
Or your hair.
Or your face.
It'll all get better.
Use sunscreen.
Tanning is for lack of a better word, stupid.
Start a savings account. A modest one is better than none.
Country music is not so bad. You'll start listening to it.
I know Dad, not a proud moment.
Stay grounded.
When life throws you curve balls at least you can say you swung.
Keep playing sports.
If you don't love it, don't do it.
I know those odd jobs you took seemed ridiculous at the time, but it beefed up your skills section.
And you learned how to count back change.
You're worth it.
And don't be afraid of the future.
It's going to be good...

Easter greetings

Just a short post to say Happy Easter to everyone.

We did the fun annual things that make holidays full of memories.

Dying eggs.

Our park Easter egg hunt. 

Most importantly...time together. 

Someone recently told me, "you are blessed." I never thought I could get used to that phrase. So much in this world makes me feel unfit to receive that kind of comment. But, you know what? I think we have to recognize our life as a huge blessing. Being here, sharing our lives together.

I think I agree. We are blessed.

Each one of us. 

Look around. Catch your blessings like breezes in the wind. Don't stop feeling the cool, refreshing, invisible thread of love that makes life extraordinary.

Thank you, you know who you are, for pointing out my extraordinary.

finding the words

Ever feel like you have a story you're writing?

Sometimes its a comedy, tragedy, romance. When you're younger you dabble into the drama, when you're older you steer clear of it. You have ups and downs, peaks and valleys. Every year is a new chapter. Every page as much a part of you as your own layer of skin.

No matter what happens, you keep writing. Telling your story. Keeping yourself alive through manuscript.

If my theory has any truth, right now I'm writing works rivaling that of Henry David Thoreau and Robert Frost.

My story, like theirs, is of adventure.

Grabbing life by the horns.

Taking the road less traveled by.

I feel when you write your own story, you're really living. Getting out of your comfort zone. The theme park of adventure...step out of line and get the upgrade to find your own journey.

Making your own path is much more freeing.

~~~~~~~

This weekend we observed "Earth Hour". It was a splendid way to end an evening. The kids had to get used to the candlelight, but once our eyes adjusted we realized what is always there under the ordinary.

Maybe we need to do that more often.

Drop the complicated. Turn off the electronic world we live in. Return to the simpler life, when all you had was a small flame to light your darkness.

I guess we'll keep writing. This, after all, is what we've always done. From those that came before us, we will carry on and do the same.

Just make sure it's a page turner, one that'll keep you invested.

~~~~~~~~

Weekly phone dump:



Have a good week ya'll!