An email to my best friend this week:
Seriously this week has been full of so much emotion. I've gained a pound-which even writing it, sounds so trivial. But I honestly gave a good effort last week working out, only to be sabotaged by reckless emotional/stressful eating.
Have a bad day at work=ice cream.
Feeling lost or bored=buttered popcorn.
And I feel so completely helpless. I think that's what is really hard for me. I feel like for the first time in my life, that I have no control. And that is scaring me.
I'm trying to be understanding with myself. The last 4 years have hardly been easy. Going through school was a shock to my system. I had never gone through something so intense in my life. Then we moved out here and working as a nurse, on nights no less, gave me such a spiraling down feeling. Like almost losing touch with my own body. Now, I'm just flat out lost.
Counting calories is fine. But at the end of the day I'm battling that number like a showdown from an old Western. We're on a dusty road in the setting of worn out buildings disguised as my insecurities and failures, then shots are fired and before I know it I'm laying in the fetal position with a bag of donuts. Not really, but you get the point. I'm a victim of my own self. How pathetic is that?!
Help. Feeling lost and powerless.
So with that in mind, I'm implementing some new changes this week:
-stop counting calories for the foreseeable future
Have a bad day at work=ice cream.
Feeling lost or bored=buttered popcorn.
And I feel so completely helpless. I think that's what is really hard for me. I feel like for the first time in my life, that I have no control. And that is scaring me.
I'm trying to be understanding with myself. The last 4 years have hardly been easy. Going through school was a shock to my system. I had never gone through something so intense in my life. Then we moved out here and working as a nurse, on nights no less, gave me such a spiraling down feeling. Like almost losing touch with my own body. Now, I'm just flat out lost.
Counting calories is fine. But at the end of the day I'm battling that number like a showdown from an old Western. We're on a dusty road in the setting of worn out buildings disguised as my insecurities and failures, then shots are fired and before I know it I'm laying in the fetal position with a bag of donuts. Not really, but you get the point. I'm a victim of my own self. How pathetic is that?!
Help. Feeling lost and powerless.
So with that in mind, I'm implementing some new changes this week:
-stop counting calories for the foreseeable future
-instead I am now going to take photos in a new photo diary called Collect I recently downloaded from the apple app store for free, this will bring awareness to my portions and help me keep track of what I'm eating
-I am going to work on building a more positive self esteem with the purchase of a full size motivational mirror which will be tilted in a way that is more flattering (pictures to be posted with finished project) Read about it here: http://morganbuehler.com/blog/2012/10/31/mirror
-books will be read that have been in my collection, building a trust fund with dust...Spontaneous Happiness and Minding the body, Mending the Mind.
-continue to exercise and workout...knowing that I am likely burning 500cal/day at work three times a week....not that I'm counting, but that's pretty damn good
And that's basically it. I want to work on doing things that are good for my body, mind, soul.
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