a little more

Hey you. 

I'm sorry it's been a little longer than necessary. I'm still here. The girl behind the screen, above the keyboard. The words have been sitting in a hot thermos waiting for the right temperature for green tea. That stuff is temperamental. Demands perfection, just above lukewarm water. Here we are now. The pour is steady.

These past weeks, my heart is tender. A little more in each day. I can't explain it except in a brief contrasting statement: in the same moment I want everything and nothing at all. 

I've been gathering my extra quiet time and placing it into writing my book. Early mornings and late evenings. Well, shall we say re-writing. At the same time I am reading Stephen King's memoir 'On Writing'. I find it comforting to write alongside reading about the craft. It makes me feel a little less crazy. And maybe gives me a little more reason to continue walking around, talking to myself and the characters that live on in my waking dreams. Fiction is a comedic partner like that. 

I am consumed and it hurts in shallow places. I've been putting plenty of guilt on myself for not being enough. There's a few confessions that I have. 

Being a writer and a mother are one of the biggest challenges of my life. Balancing baby and toddler seemed easier than this. The story pulls. The kids and their rapid growing spurts, pull. Each is delicate and beautiful, demanding full attention. I don't want to miss it. 

One day I frantically did a Google search. "Writing and being a mom" my curser blinked out.

I scanned through a few articles that I could pull up. Most of them forums about failed attempts and empty notebooks sitting on dusty shelves. None of these women seemed to worry about it. Stating they were waiting until baby girl was in school. Or until young man was out of school. Waiting until retirement. Waiting until the days opened up and the ink pulse beat strong. I kept nodding my head. I understood. In fact, so much of the last decade I had been doing the same. Until one day I couldn't do it anymore. The pen picked me up again.

I am here. It may not be the standard 2,000 or even 1,000 words a day. Somedays it is writing on the bathroom mirror. There are days it is in a voice note, or a sticky pad or a receipt paper. It is several paragraphs and then nothing at all because a game of Uno is waiting for me before bedtime. Sometimes my sleep schedule is erratic and messy. There's a rhythm and there is straying.

Yet, I am here. And it's just like anything out there in life that you want in big helpings but you can only receive in milliliter doses. I think that we are going to get it the way that we know how. Just put your soul in the stars, with our intentions in back pockets asking for a ride in the galaxy of hopes and dreams. We have our ticket. Been with us from the start.

These two and Mark keep me believing. In love and kindness. In big world currency. I would not be me without them. Most days I wonder how I became so lucky.

They are growing faster and it scares me. Because I feel sand swiftly between fingers. It makes me much more aware of each passing day. 

Katelynn is breezing through third grade. She saves her money for "comfy things" so that she can read in a soft bean bag chair or watch orange and pink mold together in her lava lamp. She loves to play nerf wars with her brother. Is addicted to episodes of "Too Cute" and continues to draw and craft in her free time. Her favorite subject is science.

Caleb is strolling through seventh grade. He now plays percussion in band, switching up the trombone for something more "my style." He is active in a local Boy Scout troop again (watch for popcorn fundraiser this year) and enjoys spending his time outside playing basketball with several neighborhood boys that are his age. His favorite subject is history.

I would say we are completely adjusted to our new home. Both of the kids are doing well and when we ask them how they like living here, after all the moving, they both say they "love it here." This brings us a lot of comfort in knowing all of our long journey was worth it. This is what we were wanting for them all along. 

Tonight we bought seeds to begin planting our garden this year. My favorite season has always been spring, and even though I was sure we were in it-- this week has been a little disappointing with lows in the 20s. I'm hopeful that we can see more buds after this week. And I'm crossing my fingers that our parents and grandparents green thumb will finally get passed on. Getting outside in the sunshine and fresh air does wonders. And I can't imagine a better place to gather inspiration.

I just want all of you to know that I'm sending you love and light. Wherever you are. Wherever you want to be. There is so much in this world pulling at us all to give into the strain and tension. It's easy to get in our heads like that. I hope that you hold space, in your hearts. Breathe deeply and reach up for something more. Go deeper and longer into the waves of expression. Leave your own footprint in the earth. Don't go the path that has been carefully marked for you. Dare to be yourself. And give them hell.