waiting

I always get annoyed with people that start out by saying: "I'm sorry that I haven't written in a while." Let's clarify... I get annoyed with myself when I start out that way. It's like the momentum gets a huge stall before the tires start moving forward. So how do I choose to start this belated blog post? Talking about talking about not writing on here. Wow, you may be wondering how many eggnog latte's I've been consuming lately. Well, I'm proud to report none. And maybe that's where our problem started...

Let's begin the way I wanted to begin.

Hello. How's life in the fast lane of holiday parties, ugly Christmas sweaters, and baking cookies? I don't know about you, but I'm getting a big thrill out of the new hobby that I've acquired that I affectionately call "waiting in line." You think I'm showing off my charming wit, surely.

Seriously though, it's my new favorite thing.

I don't know about you, but when I'm in line at the store or in the parking lot or the turn lane into a shopping mall, my instinct tells me to be annoyed. Waiting, gah. What a waste of time. It's like you're going but then you're not. Seconds turn into minutes and before you know it the 5 o'clock sunset is casting its light across your face. Time disappears like the patience that the day started you off with. Suddenly it puts you in a bad mood and that errand that was supposed to take a few minutes turns into an all day affair. Dinner is late. Bedtime is late. Everything is late as the night takes on different forms of productivity.

But here's the thing. Here's my thing. The time that I spend waiting in line, I've been forcing my gut reaction of annoyance into a tone of gratitude. Who am I kidding, grateful to be in limbo? But that's exactly my point. When I'm waiting and looking ahead to the next few minutes that will take place, I am transformed. It's as if my senses become crystal clear. Sounds are louder, lights are brighter, and I become a person who is in the moment. If I catch myself, I'll start to smile. The days of impatience are behind me, as I steadily take my place in this world of others. I wait for my time to come. Because I know it will come eventually. But everything and everyone has just as much right to presence as I do. And this little reminder makes the world so big and me a very small piece of it. You may not realize, but these moments are diamonds in a bed of coal. I let myself breathe them in. Continue hovering my foot above the pedal, but taking those fragments of appreciation for the chance to stay right where I'm at. This is presence. This is life as it should be. We go, we wait, we go.

We've been focusing in on the rituals of the season. As hard as it may seem to keep up with it all, I've learned the fine art of letting go. If we do some things and don't do others it no longer makes me sad and pressured to fit everything in. The important will get done. And if we don't get every morsel of holiday cheer squeezed out, rest assured we will find other ways to do it. I have found peace in the things that we can do. Making sure that we know the heart of it all. This is what I think about when I'm waiting. 

Sunday was a tough day. A killer migraine pushed through, forcing me to rush into bed after a particularly rough day at work. Laying in darkness and trying to quiet my pulsating head, the panic crept slowly over me until it was all-consuming. This was bad. Barely sleeping that night due to the pain, I was able to wake the next morning with slight relief. I've known for a while that these migraines are hormone related. Having tried several different doctors with their opinions through the years, I dialed a naturopathic doctor and made an appointment. I'm hopeful that a new angle will yield better results. Being an active holistic researcher, this has been a long time coming.

A little break for some Christmas cheer:

Vintage holiday shopping...

Our house sprinkled with Christmas spirit...

Just in case you missed it...and who am I kidding, everyone has things they are busy with...but I did complete my 50,000 words for the month of November! It was an incredible challenge, and something that I have never done before in my life. I'm excited to review this novel and revise it. And I've been lucky in that a few of my close friends and family have started reading it to give me feedback. I'm hopeful to have a first draft manuscript by the end of the year and then we'll see where it goes from there. 

There's a lot to learn about yourself when you put pen to paper each day. One thing that I walked away with, is the comfort in calling myself a writer. No backing away from it now...

Also, in case you missed it, I did have two articles published on The Broad Collective website:

In Case Of Emergency

Glass Walls

And later this month I will tell you about my very first paid writing publication. Very exciting things that I keep pinching myself over. 

Thank you for allowing me into your day. This is always my favorite conversation. xo

ramping up

Highway on-ramps scare the shit out of me. Just putting that out there. The moment that I feel my engine accelerate, with a gentle push of the pedal, I know that this is it. They will either let me in, or they won't. And if there's a big semi just sitting there in the right lane, (which is always the case, isn't it?) I know it's go time. Either speed the hell up, or change your foot over to the brake. But I know the brake isn't the answer. I'm going to have to get up to speed one way or another. Otherwise I'll just be that sitting car on the side of the road that everyone signals over to pass. And I'll be no closer to my destination.

experimenting with charcoal...

This week I have been diligent in my writing, tonight I'll pass over 30,000 words since the first of this month. My novel just that much more of a reality. People wonder why I'm doing this to myself. Why I tuck pen and scrap paper into every corner of my current life. Why I stay up and drink coffee late at night. The only reasonable explanation would be that I'm obsessed. What I keep telling myself is that I am already a writer. Time + work = novel. Truly, I believe that my hands will be holding my first manuscript before the end of the year. Obsessed or driven? The line is always a blur. You'll have to read my story to find out.

Work has been consuming lately...the cold and flu season is upon us. I keep telling myself that the extra income will be nice for the upcoming holiday. But it's hard to put a dollar figure on justifying time away from my favorite people. I guess it's something we all have to deal with in our lives. Finding that sweet spot in productivity and acute awareness of all things that bring us joy. I'll keep doing my best to capture those moments that bring me to center. Work or not, these faces always know how to make me smile.

Including this moment I posted earlier this week:
This is my moment of chaos. Or so I thought. Caleb is narrating while he plays a game, Katelynn is rehearsing Christmas carols, dog is barking...I sat down with a cup of tea and realized my "E" is missing. I actually considered getting up as soon as I sat down. So glad that I'm here, embracing the chaotic symphony, -njoying the little things.

A large storm system is pouring down rain tonight. We decided to call it a day, putting on our pajamas and making breakfast for dinner. For reasons that I cannot explain, this feels like home to me. And I'm perpetually happy about every part of it. Down to the chocolate chips in the batter. Pockets of sweetness in life, make my heart happy.

The highway's off-ramp is a different story. Letting out a breath, the gears shift down to a mellow cruise. The turns are calculated now. Town streets give way to stop signs and speed limits. Though the thrill of acceleration is a distant memory, there is still beauty in the slowing down. We know ultimately our destination is just that much closer.

half the pleasure

“Oh, Marilla, looking forward to things is half the pleasure of them,” exclaimed Anne. “You mayn’t get the things themselves; but nothing can prevent you from having the fun of looking forward to them." 

Anticipation for what will come. I love nothing more than to be waiting for something fantastic to come along. Readying myself for the events, the trips, the people that we will spend time with. I love looking forward to things. Excitement builds. Momentum takes shape in the form of planning and counting down the days. 

Then it happens. The future brings itself front and center. This is where we live. 

We just coasted down from the mountains. Celebrating November birthday weekend...

I'm not sure how this tradition started exactly. But every year I am always thankful for it. Something about that rustic cabin, the mountain backdrop. Fall trees in the middle of their transition. It's all a memory that I hold onto. 

The cake, the gifts, the songs. Our terrible attempt at playing pool. The dogs chasing each other. Kids staying up far past their bedtime.

The feeling when waking up that first morning. As the coffee maker drips the first cup, opening up the windows to see the mountains up close. To watch the fog roll in, so close that you could almost touch it.

 The whole experience takes your breath away. To be surrounded by so much beauty in one place.

I'll keep busying myself with looking forward to things. Because after all of that waiting...all of the hoping, the dreaming. When the time comes-- when you are actually living it out in the now-- all that you have been envisioning is just that much sweeter.

my new favorite place

It's the first week of November. We all know what this means....

Gammy's Burnt Caramel cake.

Every year as I sift flour, divide out eggs, and finally get to that rolling boil of caramel icing over medium heat-- I think of her. 

"Gammy," I'll say, "I never met you. I can't even be sure I know what you looked like. But here I am, just a midwest girl trying to make your famous cake for your grandson and great grandchildren. Please, oh please don't let me screw this up."

And she nods to me, smiles as I play early jazz on Pandora. I let her know at the end of my efforts how thankful I am. We go on, we eagerly lick the spoon. 

On Monday I sat patiently in a waiting room, thinking to myself how much I hate the dentist. My mother always taught me that "hate" was a strong word. She preferred me to say "dislike." Well, I can honestly say, with only flinching a little, that I hate the dentist. After having maxillofacial surgery in my teens, it ruined me in that rubbery reclining chair for life.

This time it was just our kids getting checked. The little office that we go to is not as overwhelming, with soft up-to-date music playing and the dentist has good jokes. Both high on our priority list, obviously. As we checked out, instead of offering a prize for them to take home, for being such good patients, the hygienist took us into a little room off in the corner. It was lined with shelves and gently used books were packed in neatly.

"You can each choose three," she explained to the kids.

Being the readers that they are, (yes I am proud of this), they excitedly looked over the titles and picked out their treasures.

I think this is my new favorite place now.

The days are noticeably shorter and I'm obsessing over fall foliage as we prepare to go off for our annual cabin weekend soon. Hot cider with a sugar donut made me grateful for the extra time inside to cozy up and spend time as a family. Soccer is done now, and in place of evening outings we take turns reading or telling stories. This is the time we are reminded to slow down and enjoy moments. No matter how small.

I was thrilled this week to read Stella's article in the Huffington Post. She was one of my awesome cabin-mates for Write Doe Bay and I'm in the middle of reading her novel Until the Beat Stops. I met so many talented and inspiring people last month. Joe was one of them. He is an influential and innovative attorney who works with prisoners to educate them on the justice system so that they can be more involved in their circumstances. He also owns the Doe Bay resort and has a passion for the creativity that grows there. I was right here when this interview was taking place, and hearing him speak firsthand about what he's dedicated to and excited about was an honor.

photo by Kat Marcinowski

By the way, did anyone else notice what the KC Royals did on Sunday?! I can't promise you that I've been a hardcore fan all this time-being from Kansas and all. But we did wear a lot of their shirts growing up, and went to some games. My dad has always been pretty loyal. We are certainly proud of them and cheered them on.

This month I've joined a challenge to write 50,000 words of my novel by dedicating myself to write every day. This was a challenge I accepted enthusiastically since some of my Write Doe Bay friends joined in as well. What I've come to realize- now that we're on day 5- is that putting yourself in that creative mindset consistently each day is more than just setting aside time to do so. It's climbing into corners of yourself to make something out of nothing. Not easy, but I am encouraged to keep trying. I'm already learning a lot about myself. Which, I think, is perhaps some of the process?

Also, just ignore me this month as I'm babbling to myself-talking to thin air. Sometimes I hold conversations with people/characters in my head-promise this is totally normal. And also ignore me if I'm complaining of heart palpitations-it's just the increased consumption of coffee to keep the creative juices flowing. It's a requirement with dreary skies and earlier sunsets.

This year's Halloween pictures...

Our kids continue to surprise me and make me smile. Caleb was a Vietnam soldier, and Katelynn was a "world explorer." This time of year I always get a little nostalgic. I don't know if it's only because I participated in trick-or-treating for one year in my childhood.

Growing up my parents raised us in a religious background until I reached 15. Nothing wrong with religion. But some of them throw "fall parties" and turn off the lights to trick-or-treaters. Now, as a parent, I tend to get a little sentimental on this holiday.

I love homemade costumes that you can hunt around in vintage or second hand stores instead of picking them out from a floor to ceiling selection that an un-enthusiastic high school kid hands you. Lucky for me our kids have been open to my quest for originality. After last year's Elsa fanfare, you can see what I mean.

In the spirit of passing it on, enjoy some music this weekend. Until next time...

more than okay

Today I decided to take a trip to some of my favorite places here. Nothing really in particular, just spaces that make Georgia really click into place for me.

Not that this should surprise anyone who knows us and our situation, but we are coming to a place of uncertainty.

You see, this all began almost 10 years ago. Mark and I decided to be a one-income family to support each other, going back to school. When you start a family at such a young age, without knowing much about yourself. Well, it does things to you. It forces you to question your place in this world.

We made the move to Georgia after years of contemplating, researching, and questioning. It all brought us here. To this moment.

In May, when Mark graduates, this will be a time for another possible monumental shift. We don't know where we will end up. Perhaps it is the type A, planner within us that demands to know. Demands to have control over a situation...

This is where we struggle.

We have to be open. Be open to the uncertainty. Be open to the questions. Be open to coming up short on answers. Open to what may or may not come.

I suppose this is why I needed today. To look at Georgia the same way I did when we first came. As wonderful as other places are, I needed to rediscover my love for this space. If we do stay here, I wanted to know that I could be okay with that too.

And I am.

More than okay.

Remember this. Remember these moments. As scary as the future can be, consider this: Life is an adventure.

You have two options: be numb to preserve yourself and sanity or feel the ever-living hell out of everything. I'll take latter, even if it means I'll hurt sometimes.



The kids wrapped up their soccer season tonight. We think they had fun...

Yeah, we got this.



Oh yeah, in case you hadn't heard, I was published on Mamalode's website this week. In case you missed it, check me out...all acting professional and everything ;-)

An Apology To My Body